always wanting

My husband, the wonderful guy that he is, sends me out of the house this morning to have a breakfast date with me, myself and I. And, more importantly, my Bible.

I drive down the street to vi and order some breakfast, hot tea, and crack open my Bible and journal.

I'm overcome with relief. Peace! I'm going to enjoy this moment. Truth is, I've been a little down in the dumps.


About two weeks ago I posted how delightful things have been going... so of course, leave it to the enemy to come and steal my joy when I'm enjoying it the most.

I've been a little -- okay, a lot -- impatient with my children, feeling stuck in motherhood, confused with  certain relationships, and just plain ol' tired*.

 *Sleep training a one-year-old-co-sleeper-breastfed baby is not fun.

My Bible is opened to continue my read through Psalm 119. If you don't know, it is the longest chapter in the entire Bible with a whopping 176 verses of scriptural goodness. Today I tackle another clump of those verses.

Back to the point, right? Down in the dumps.

Beside the children and sleep deprivation, something that has been festering me is the need to purchase.

"What?" you say? That's just it. I want to buy.

New shoes.
New shirts.
New....

Ok, well mostly just those two item are the ones I really want. But when I set foot in any store I just feel the need to spend. Of course, I don't have the funding to just spend for spending sake... so I leave the store with my intended items.

And I'm left discontent. Always wanting.

I'll justify my thoughts with the fact that what I want is not ridiculous. I'm not just going to go buy a whole new set of towels because I want to switch the colors, even though the ones we have are in perfect condition. No, but... I need to replace my mixing bowls. I've been wanting a better bag. I could use a new jacket. I only fit into two of my pants (going cold turkey on dairy months ago made me shrivel to a bean stalk), so a third would be great. I want to start some art projects, so I need this, that, and the other thing.

Money, money, money, money!

       I hate you, money!

---- I am going to tie these two stories together, I promise. Right now.

Lord, why am I always wanting!?

Incline my heart to Your testimonies, and not to covetousness. Turn away my eyes from looking at worthless things, and revive me in Your way... The law of Your mouth is better to me than thousands of coins of gold and silver. 

Those are words I read, enjoying my breakfast and tea; hungering for Truth.

My love of the words of my Creator and Savior should be more precious to me than things. What comparison is there between eternal truths and shirts that tear?

In reality, what I want is not a new wardrobe, but what I want is to know my Lord more. King David loved God's word; they were his comfort, stronghold, hope, defense, satisfaction. So when I think I'm in need of something this earth offers, my lack is actually a devotion to the Word. There is a richness in those pages that no amount of money can buy.

I check the clock: it's time to get home so Jason can go to work. I chug the last bit of tea, pay my check, and pull my hood over my head before leaving. It's raining outside; a perfect, steady fall. The living water that is quenching the thirst in my soul is even more satisfying than the drops that fall upon me.

Don't you love when the Lord speaks something directly from the letters on that thin page of your Bible to the depths of your heart?

http://aldersgate.com/wordpress/2011/12/27/psalm-119/

the battle

A few minutes ago I finished reading Acacia some stories from her Bible. Today we read about the Israelites crossing the Jordan River and battling over the lands that God had promised them. As God's chosen people were in a quest to inherit the Promised Land, the victory was already theirs.

After we finished, I sat staring into the breeze swayed trees pondering war. Mostly, my gratefulness that  I'm not involved in one. I watched Braveheart this weekend for the first time since I was a little girl. It's a very gory movie. Probably realistic. I'm amazed that men would line up, run, and attack each other; risking harm and death by arrows, swords, spears, and the like. It makes me shudder. Says the girl whose heart rate skyrockets when receiving a shot.

I'm so very thankful that we don't live in times like that anymore. (At least... for now.) No, our world is NOT in a state of peace; and yes, some of us (bless her heart) must sacrifice our dear ones to serve our country and fight for freedom. But, in general, Americans live in peace.

And I think we take that for granted far too much. We've become lazy.

I notice the same issue in the spiritual realm for this country. We've become lazy. We've said the "sinner's prayer"... then we live happy (or not-so-happy), forgetting Him day by day. We lose sight that we were saved from a world of sin into a heavenly Kingdom, the promised land.

The battle isn't over.

The enemy is on the prowl. He is out to steal, kill, and destroy - just like King Longshanks to the Scottish people. Souls are being lost to the enemy. Lives are being ruined. Marriages torn apart. Children abused. Citizens murdered.

And are we fighting for our Kingdom? Are we sitting and watching our neighbors, deceived by the enemies lies, form allegiance with him? Do you observe -- and not take action?

       Beloved Saints,

You must fight with me. I want to wake up and be prepared for battle. Put Truth around my waist, Righteousness for my breastplate, prepare my feet to walk by the Gospel of peace, using Faith as my shield, Salvation as my helmet, equipped with the Sword of the Spirit - which is the Word of God, and most of all, to cloak my life in prayer. I will go in the name, in the love, of the King.

The victory is already won. Christ, the Righteous, has conquered death. But the battle for Life is not over. Death awaits many of those we love. The King must reign in all our hearts.

I'm tired of being a lazy soldier.

Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints

Ephesians 6:10-18

blood & fire

Last Thursday: As I climbed the double stair case up to the room where our College & Career group meets, I noticed below me a Chinese man sitting at a table in the church foyer reading his Bible. He was of average size, dressed in a suit and appeared to be a quiet and gentle man.

Have you heard of Peter Xu?

If you've read The Heavenly Man, Peter was Brother Yun's pastor and mentor.

Perhaps you've never heard of Peter - I hadn't either.

Pastor Peter is a tried and true saint of our Lord. He has had a life of persecution, torture, and suffering. He has faced death... and had no fear.

Peter is the founder of an Evangelical Christian movement in China variously called "New Birth", "All Range", or "Born Again Movement."*  There are estimated to be 25 - 30 million believers in this Christian movement. He has been imprisoned for his faith five times (1965, 1971, 1982, 1988, 1997), tortured for hours on end, separated from friends and family for years.

I met Peter.

We all - RMC's young adult group - had the honor to hear selections of his testimony and have him encourage and pray over us. He brought us to laughter and tears... and to our knees.

American Christians have it so easy. We can freely meet with other believers, evangelize, sing worship, purchase Bibles...

I have often heard that the Church in America is a mile wide and one inch deep.

    That's not the case in China.

They have great depth of faith. They know what persecution is. They have chosen Jesus Christ and have no fear to die for Him.

God give us faith like theirs.

Pastor Peter and Brother Yun have a great vision. It's called "Back to Jerusalem". The Chinese believe the gospel traveled west from Jerusalem, into Europe, down to Africa, across to the Americas and finally reached the western coast of China. They believe it is their responsibility to take the gospel baton and continue to run with it, all throughout China and then beyond China into the Muslim, Hindu and Buddhist nations, all the way back to its source in Jerusalem.**

The Lord is calling His laborers. What have we to fear? Death is the greatest fear of all. But if you believe in the work of Christ and His resurrection - the hope of eternal life - then you have nothing to fear. 



*Wikipedia - "Peter Xu"
** China & Back to Jerusalem

blazing fire, mighty flame

Jason is my best friend. I cherish spending time with him. 

I am extremely jealous for every potential minute together. Whether it's a run to the grocery store or hanging out with the guys, each moment apart lasts far too long. 

    Perhaps I'm a bit.... overly-jealous... 

The other night Jason was away and I was contemplating this jealousy of mine... How I feel sometimes that he doesn't treasure our time as much I do; that it's not a big deal to go hang out with what's-his-name and come home later than was planned, lollygag out doing errands, or put on a movie to divert his attentions.

    Thats when it hit me.

God is jealous over me.

Just like - and even more so than- my jealousy for Jason. 

He watches as I waste my time doing this and that; always busy, yet with so much spare, wasted time... 

Yes, I spend time with the Lord each day, reading and praying...

       (and yes, Jason spends time with me; eating, chatting, helping, loving...)

God wants more of me. I am His possession. He has betrothed me to Himself.

Place me like a seal over your heart,

like a seal on your arm;

for love is as strong as death,

its jealousy unyielding as the grave.

It burns like blazing fire,

like a mighty flame.

                                                       Song of Solomon 8:6

For the LORD your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God.     Deuteronomy 4:24

holiness

I would rather endure the mockery from obeying even the most simple promptings of God than suffer the consequences of a seared conscience because of suppression.

   Snickers.
      Eyes roll.
         Exasperated sighs.

Accusation: "You're legalistic."

Shouldn't they rather rejoice, encourage?

Oh fellow Christians, where is your heart? Where are your treasures?

SOS

No, actually I'm not referring to the international distress signal ..._ _ _...

    But it kinda fits in....

[I am amused right now because I wrote this blog on June 7 - my two year anniversary with Jason... and now I am finally going to finish it]

For my devotional time with the Lord, I read through the Bible, book by book. Two months ago, I read the Song of Solomon.

SOS

  As I was reading, I came across something that is always on my heart 

    and I'd like to attempt putting it down in writing.

I charge you, O Daughters of Jerusalem, 

do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases.

Three times this it iterated, in chapter 2 verse 7, chapter 3 verse 5, and chapter 8 verse 4. I think we're supposed to pay attention.

And while most of my readers are married women, I have a heart for topics such as this. Because it is not just about purity. It's about being sanctified. Set apart. Consecrated to the Lord. 

To go off topic a bit... there is something that I will share, so you get the whole picture...

Jason is leading and teaching the young adult group at our church. He is currently [until the end of 2010] going through a course on Discipleship; this month, Jason is discussing a life of holiness. While planning for this week's time together, there will be a skit, some onetimeblind clips, and he wanted two testimonies - one from a male and one from a female. He chose which guy would speak then consulted me in reference to the girl. I named off as many as I could... but he just looked at me and said, "I was hoping you would do it." 

SOS

This time, thats the distress signal!

I hate speaking in public. I get nervous even talking in a group of eight. So, obviously, I refused. 

But here I am writing this to you and here is my testimony that everyone at Engage will hear. 

I was raised in a non-Christian home.  Since kindergarten, I have been kissing boys… and I have had more relationships than I’d dare to admit to most of you.

After two years of faithful witnessing from a Christian girl-friend, I became a Christian my sophomore year of High School. But not even being a “Christian” kept me from sinful relationships.  Before the age of 18 I had handed over my purity.

After HS the Lord led me to Calvary Chapel Bible College in southern California.

            Actually… the truth is, I went to impress a guy.

But the Lord used it anyway and had me there for a purpose.

Due to a very sinful, manipulatory, unholy relationship that ended during the course of my first year of classes, I began to harbor extreme bitterness and loathing towards guys. I was disgusted with myself and even more repulsed with the opposite sex.

It wasn’t until a year later that the Lord was finally able to soften my hard heart. It was the winter before my last semester at Bible College that I allowed God to truly be ‘Lord’ over my life. I committed myself to standards of holiness that the Lord put on my heart. I was finished with throwing myself at guys to make them want me. The only guy who could have me was one with the same standards and one who would do all the pursuing. 

After consecrating myself to the Lord, a huge weigh was lifted.

A few weeks later the Lord brought Jason into my life.

Now most people would consider my standards as ridiculous and impossible:

-         guy had to respect me physically – never attempt to touch me, not even to hold hands

-         no kiss until the wedding day

-         I refused to be flirtation, pursue, or let on in any way of my attractions

-         I would not define the terms and boundaries of the relationship

So, if Jason wanted me he would have to get me.  He would have to lead the relationship by those holy standards of his own conviction – not just to please me.

As Jason and I began to talk, take walks together, and get to know each other, I didn’t flirt. I didn’t approach him, I didn’t call or even text him.

After two or three weeks of this, I determined to put an end to our time together: because the relationship was undefined and I wasn’t going to be the one to lead that.

That very day, the Lord put it on Jason’s heart to define the relationship.

He told me that the purpose of pursuing me was for the intentions of marriage.

Until this point we hadn’t even hugged – which was odd, since we both hug everyone; but I was so grateful, and felt so respected by him. We held hands once but afterward we talked about it and Jason decided that he wouldn’t hold my hand again until he put a ring on it for engagement. He also informed me that it was his desire to not kiss until marriage.

And so... our first kiss was June 7, 2008 at the altar before the Lord.

We NEVER held these standards out of legalism, but obeyed because we love the Lord and respected one another. There were times of struggle and imperfection, but we would immediately repent and return to the conduct the Lord called us to.

I will be truthful:  

My promiscuity not only caused those short term consequences (the bitterness and pain) but also some longer term hurdles that Jason and I must conquer now together.

I charge you, O Daughters of Jerusalem, 

do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases.

There is a time for love. A time for intimacy. But until it pleases love must not be tampered or tempted.