three years ago

Today, June 7th, 2011, marks the anniversary of three years of blessing.

On our wedding day, everything happened so quickly...

Hair fixed, face beautified, the dress squeezed slipped on and tied.
Walked down the aisle, said our vows, exchanged our first kiss.
Pictures, food, dancing, greeting, and thanking.
Said our farewells and drove away from the church to our hotel...  ... ...

Three years later I find myself in a place far from what was on my mind...

Chasing my terrible terrific two year old, moping up the spilled milk.
Lugging around a belly, attempting to find anything in the closet that fits.
Cleaning my house, getting ready for the sitters to arrive.
Throwing up the hair, whisking on [the beloved] mascara, just in time...

I can't stop the smile from spreading across my face.

Though some days I find myself caught up in thoughts such as Motherhood doesn't suit me... or Ya know, marriage doesn't suit me either.... I am thankful to God that I find myself here.

Because above all things I am where He wants me to be. And despite my wishing upon times that never got to happen for just Jason and myself; we have one - and a second coming - more adored member with which to share and make precious moments. The joys are increased.

My heart is grateful.

My life is overwhelmed with love.

My husband and I are the best of friends; true confidantes, patient in love, and evermore becoming entwined as one.

All thanks be to God, our Creator, greatest Lover, and healing Saviour.

Jason, without you I cannot truly be me.

♥

what matters

It doesn't matter if he...

gets into the shower from the wrong side

can't keep his closet organized by color, let alone style

doesn't care when his socks get twisted on his feet

can't keep a hat on for the day

hates peanut butter

doesn't shave his face every day

hasn't read Harry Potter

rips the sheets out from under the bed every night

What matters is that we love each other....

even if I...

organize my closet by color and style

go crazy when I see High School Musical

can't walk in high heels

only shave my legs once or twice a week

have no idea how to fix my hair 

hate Chipotle 

couldn't care less about football

blazing fire, mighty flame

Jason is my best friend. I cherish spending time with him. 

I am extremely jealous for every potential minute together. Whether it's a run to the grocery store or hanging out with the guys, each moment apart lasts far too long. 

    Perhaps I'm a bit.... overly-jealous... 

The other night Jason was away and I was contemplating this jealousy of mine... How I feel sometimes that he doesn't treasure our time as much I do; that it's not a big deal to go hang out with what's-his-name and come home later than was planned, lollygag out doing errands, or put on a movie to divert his attentions.

    Thats when it hit me.

God is jealous over me.

Just like - and even more so than- my jealousy for Jason. 

He watches as I waste my time doing this and that; always busy, yet with so much spare, wasted time... 

Yes, I spend time with the Lord each day, reading and praying...

       (and yes, Jason spends time with me; eating, chatting, helping, loving...)

God wants more of me. I am His possession. He has betrothed me to Himself.

Place me like a seal over your heart,

like a seal on your arm;

for love is as strong as death,

its jealousy unyielding as the grave.

It burns like blazing fire,

like a mighty flame.

                                                       Song of Solomon 8:6

For the LORD your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God.     Deuteronomy 4:24

SOS

No, actually I'm not referring to the international distress signal ..._ _ _...

    But it kinda fits in....

[I am amused right now because I wrote this blog on June 7 - my two year anniversary with Jason... and now I am finally going to finish it]

For my devotional time with the Lord, I read through the Bible, book by book. Two months ago, I read the Song of Solomon.

SOS

  As I was reading, I came across something that is always on my heart 

    and I'd like to attempt putting it down in writing.

I charge you, O Daughters of Jerusalem, 

do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases.

Three times this it iterated, in chapter 2 verse 7, chapter 3 verse 5, and chapter 8 verse 4. I think we're supposed to pay attention.

And while most of my readers are married women, I have a heart for topics such as this. Because it is not just about purity. It's about being sanctified. Set apart. Consecrated to the Lord. 

To go off topic a bit... there is something that I will share, so you get the whole picture...

Jason is leading and teaching the young adult group at our church. He is currently [until the end of 2010] going through a course on Discipleship; this month, Jason is discussing a life of holiness. While planning for this week's time together, there will be a skit, some onetimeblind clips, and he wanted two testimonies - one from a male and one from a female. He chose which guy would speak then consulted me in reference to the girl. I named off as many as I could... but he just looked at me and said, "I was hoping you would do it." 

SOS

This time, thats the distress signal!

I hate speaking in public. I get nervous even talking in a group of eight. So, obviously, I refused. 

But here I am writing this to you and here is my testimony that everyone at Engage will hear. 

I was raised in a non-Christian home.  Since kindergarten, I have been kissing boys… and I have had more relationships than I’d dare to admit to most of you.

After two years of faithful witnessing from a Christian girl-friend, I became a Christian my sophomore year of High School. But not even being a “Christian” kept me from sinful relationships.  Before the age of 18 I had handed over my purity.

After HS the Lord led me to Calvary Chapel Bible College in southern California.

            Actually… the truth is, I went to impress a guy.

But the Lord used it anyway and had me there for a purpose.

Due to a very sinful, manipulatory, unholy relationship that ended during the course of my first year of classes, I began to harbor extreme bitterness and loathing towards guys. I was disgusted with myself and even more repulsed with the opposite sex.

It wasn’t until a year later that the Lord was finally able to soften my hard heart. It was the winter before my last semester at Bible College that I allowed God to truly be ‘Lord’ over my life. I committed myself to standards of holiness that the Lord put on my heart. I was finished with throwing myself at guys to make them want me. The only guy who could have me was one with the same standards and one who would do all the pursuing. 

After consecrating myself to the Lord, a huge weigh was lifted.

A few weeks later the Lord brought Jason into my life.

Now most people would consider my standards as ridiculous and impossible:

-         guy had to respect me physically – never attempt to touch me, not even to hold hands

-         no kiss until the wedding day

-         I refused to be flirtation, pursue, or let on in any way of my attractions

-         I would not define the terms and boundaries of the relationship

So, if Jason wanted me he would have to get me.  He would have to lead the relationship by those holy standards of his own conviction – not just to please me.

As Jason and I began to talk, take walks together, and get to know each other, I didn’t flirt. I didn’t approach him, I didn’t call or even text him.

After two or three weeks of this, I determined to put an end to our time together: because the relationship was undefined and I wasn’t going to be the one to lead that.

That very day, the Lord put it on Jason’s heart to define the relationship.

He told me that the purpose of pursuing me was for the intentions of marriage.

Until this point we hadn’t even hugged – which was odd, since we both hug everyone; but I was so grateful, and felt so respected by him. We held hands once but afterward we talked about it and Jason decided that he wouldn’t hold my hand again until he put a ring on it for engagement. He also informed me that it was his desire to not kiss until marriage.

And so... our first kiss was June 7, 2008 at the altar before the Lord.

We NEVER held these standards out of legalism, but obeyed because we love the Lord and respected one another. There were times of struggle and imperfection, but we would immediately repent and return to the conduct the Lord called us to.

I will be truthful:  

My promiscuity not only caused those short term consequences (the bitterness and pain) but also some longer term hurdles that Jason and I must conquer now together.

I charge you, O Daughters of Jerusalem, 

do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases.

There is a time for love. A time for intimacy. But until it pleases love must not be tampered or tempted.