Thursday, October 14, 2010

100% selfish

Last week I was overwhelmed with pity for Acacia.

Because I am her mother. 

I am selfish. I am impatient. I am easily angered. I am a bad example.

I was so frustrated that I had been entrusted with a baby; a soul to raise.

Sinful, selfish Arianna.

The unfairness of it was haunting me....

An innocent baby has to suffer because of my -many- imperfections.

All of a sudden 'parenthood' became in my mind this sick cycle that only resulted in ruin for every child.

Then someone spoke to me. Without even knowing what thoughts had been running around back & forth, waring inside me. And it made sense, shedding a far brighter light on being a parent.

The primary reason for difficulties between child and parent is selfishness on both sides.

When I lose my patience, it is because thing aren't going my way.
My sleep is being interrupted
My time & energy is being "wasted"
I don't want to play|read|wait anymore 

Acacia is a baby; all she knows is selfishness. It's how she gets her wants and needs.
And let's face it: not much is going to change there for another 17+ years...

So parenthood can be like tug-o-war... two sides, selfish, fighting against each other.

But I hate that game. And I'm not going to play it... so something has gotta give.

I must sacrifice to meet her needs. Her very-100% selfish needs.

God has given me Acacia to not only raise her with a good example, but to refine me; to burn away my selfishness, my sinfulness.

Parenthood is not a downward spiral of failures causing more failures....
it is the road to true love.

The truest display of love is sacrifice. 

And with this surety and hope I have already become a better mother. 

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