measuring up

I've been pretty discouraged the past few days (or months... or years?). Reading all the wonderful things that other ladies are doing in their roles of motherhood. Seriously, awe-inspiring, Godly things! But instead of actually being inspired,  it has crushed my heart. Failure. I'm not doing a good enough job. I should be doing this, that, and the other thing. But I can't even get my floors mopped. 

So when Jason and I sat down to do our daily devo time this morning, I couldn't even read past the first two sentences - since I burst into tears. 

Stop judging and evaluating yourself, for this is not your role. Above all, stop comparing yourself with other people. This produces feelings of pride or inferiority; sometimes, a mixture of both. I lead each of My children along a path that is uniquely tailor-made for him or her. Comparing is not only wrong; it is also meaningless.
     Don't look for affirmation in the wrong places: your own evaluations, or those of other people. The only source of real affirmation is My unconditional Love. Many believers perceive Me as an unpleasable Judge, angrily searching out their faults and failures. Nothing could be farther from the truth! I died for your sins, so that I might clothe you in My garments of salvation. This is how I see you: radiant in My robe of rightesousness. When I discipline you, it is never in anger or disgust; it is to prepare you for face-to-Face fellowship with me throughout all eternity. Immerse yourself in My loving Presence. Be receptive to My affirmation, which flows continually from the throne of grace.

Lk 6:37, Jn 3:16-17, Is 61:10, Prv 3:11-12

Jesus Calling; Sarah Young

Now, my floors really do need to be mopped, Acacia needs to be taught and disciplined, and I have to squeeze in some activity that fills me. But I can't accomplish these things out of obligation - because it's the "right thing" to do. And having a drill sergeant yelling shots at me all day will do me no good (and that would probably just make me cry). Instead of depending on my own strength, will, and flesh; I need to look to the throne of grace. I can take the great examples in front of me, and pray that God will work in me both to will and to do them. 

Above all; that whatever I accomplish with my day, may it glorify the Lord. 

postpartum obsession

My second pregnancy was a far greater, unexpected, unpleasant surprise than the first. From the time I found out through nearly the whole nine months, I was in a state of unhappy confusion.

   Yeah, I know; horrible, but it's the truth.

But something peculiar happened the evening of August 12th that I was not expecting.

My heart burst the very moment when the nurse put my sweet, dumpling, dark haired baby on my belly.

       Ava Ree.

She had me hooked from then on.

I never realized that newborns reveal their personality right out of the womb; until I met Ava.

As I held her, even just looked over at her in the dim lights of the hospital room as she squeaked with every tiny breath, the radiance between us was sweet joy. It was so tangible, I could feel it... and it set my heart in warm, loving blissfulness. 

I thank the Lord so much for her because she is precisely what I needed (I would say "wanted" - but I didn't even know...)

Ava loves to snuggle. Ava's always smiling. 

Ava is full of joy. Ava is content.

The first six months after delivery were hard for me. Beside the hormonal aspects and re-accustoming to 6 weeks of excruciating breastfeeding, I became a mommy of an infant and toddler. I would say another aspect that made it hard was lack of family around... But no - there was no lack of family around for us. In fact, we were a bit crowded with family - living in our home, as I have mentioned before. On top of that, Jason spontaneously decided to really (over?)-devote himself to the young adult ministry at church (his reason being that he didn't want to use family as an excuse to skip out of ministry).

What wasn't hard, not in the least bit, was bonding with my baby.

There were so many times I would snuggle up with her, holding her for dear life, thinking, You're my only one. The only one who loves me. The only one who comforts me. Tears were constantly on the verge of out-pour, especially her first three to four months. I often wondered if I was suffering from postpartum depression; I was withdrawn, irritable, anxious, had no energy, and found little pleasure in life. But my little Ava held me. God sent this sweeter-than-honey child to relieve my soul. I can feel my heart exploding with love and gratitude within me at the remembrance.

It's hard to say if the season would have been so hard even without having a newborn. What I do know is that I received the most perfect newborn for my circumstances.

Thank You, Lord, for showing me the joy in life; 

through Ava Ree

I keep a page recording her sweet progress HERE.


P.S. Since I feel like I have just cheated on Acacia here, I think it necessary to give her praise as well. Acacia is growing kinder with each passing of the sun. She has a loving, motherly personality which melts my heart. She is a little star; singing, dancing, pouncing around humorously. Many times I have been caught in awe of her maturity. I thank the Lord that [it would seem] the "terrible twos" are coming to a close as she nears her third birthday. Though, the thought of that nearly makes me cry - so I try to avoid it. I miss her at six months old. I miss her baby face, her perfect button nose (it still is!), her little hands, her bald head... As the infamous saying goes, "It went too fast".


I think that's why I am really loving Ava - actively, presently, wholeheartedly - as I do: knowing that I'll never get this season to repeat, only reminisce...

Sigh


Being a mother is so bitter-sweet.

       But right now?

                I'll focus on the sweet.

moses-mommy

A soft answer turns away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger

Proverbs 15:1

Some time after Acacia started exploring her behavioral boundaries I learned my Moses-mommy concept.

Moses represented God to the Hebrew people. He led them, cared for them, and kept them in line. But Moses was not perfect - he fell short in correctly representing God (<- follow that link for the passage)

In their wanderings through the wilderness the children of Israel were complaining... again. God ordered for Moses to simply speak to a rock to bring out water to the thirsty people. Sick of the attitudes he was seeing, he lost control and acted indignantly; he smote the rock (and in this anger, he did it, not only once, but twice). Moses' sin was not that he disobeyed God's orders -- but that he misrepresented God. Moses did not please the Lord with his behavior towards His children and he suffered sad consequences for it: not leading the Israelites into the Promised Land.

I'm not exactly sure at which point I made this parallel, but it has been heavy on my heart for quite some time. The Lord has made me leader, lover, and representer to my children. It is a hefty responsibility to carry, but He has chosen me for the position [obviously! -or I wouldn't have these two little munchkins]. When I lash out at Acacia in frustration, I am not depicting my patient, kind, and merciful Father. How can I hold hands with Acacia praying before a meal and in the next moment be slamming my hand down on the table because she wants something different to eat?

As He has shown me what Love is, I must likewise carry this Love over to my little ones. I see the way my poor reaction crushes her spirit. It breaks my heart to know that I have reacted wrongly at the expense of my dear child.

Of course, there are times when Acacia needs a firm and steady rebuke. But never should I react angrily, by my actions or cutting words.

I will also note that disobedience demands discipline [most of the time; it's good to show mercy and grace as well].

For those whom the Lord loves he disciplines...     

Hebrews 12:6

So, if Acacia is acting rebelliously, I implement appropriate consequences. Because I love her, I want her to learn characteristics (respect, obedience, patience) and sometimes the only way to learn is the "hard" way. The crucial part is to be a parent with Godly character, responding in the proper manner. My guide is to look at the fruit of the Spirit:

the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness...  

Galations 5:22

My challenge this year is to respond in a fruitful way rather than a destructive way. May God give me grace to represent Him, and mercy when I fail.

100% selfish

Last week I was overwhelmed with pity for Acacia.

Because I am her mother. 

I am selfish. I am impatient. I am easily angered. I am a bad example.

I was so frustrated that I had been entrusted with a baby; a soul to raise.

Me. 

Sinful, selfish Arianna.

The unfairness of it was haunting me....

An innocent baby has to suffer because of my -many- imperfections.

All of a sudden 'parenthood' became in my mind this sick cycle that only resulted in ruin for every child.

Then someone spoke to me. Without even knowing what thoughts had been running around back & forth, waring inside me. And it made sense, shedding a far brighter light on being a parent.

The primary reason for difficulties between child and parent is selfishness on both sides.

When I lose my patience, it is because thing aren't going my way.

My sleep is being interrupted

My time & energy is being "wasted"

I don't want to play|read|wait anymore 

Acacia is a baby; all she knows is selfishness. It's how she gets her wants and needs.
And let's face it: not much is going to change there for another 17+ years...

So parenthood can be like tug-o-war... two sides, selfish, fighting against each other.

But I hate that game. And I'm not going to play it... so something has gotta give.

I must sacrifice to meet her needs. Her very-100% selfish needs.

God has given me Acacia to not only raise her with a good example, but to refine me; to burn away my selfishness, my sinfulness.

Parenthood is not a downward spiral of failures causing more failures....

it is the road to true love.

The truest display of love is sacrifice. 

And with this surety and hope I have already become a better mother.