Sunday, February 26, 2012

postpartum obsession

My second pregnancy was a far greater, unexpected, unpleasant surprise than the first. From the time I found out through nearly the whole nine months, I was in a state of unhappy confusion.
   Yeah, I know; horrible, but it's the truth.

But something peculiar happened the evening of August 12th that I was not expecting.

My heart burst the very moment when the nurse put my sweet, dumpling, dark haired baby on my belly.

       Ava Ree.

She had me hooked from then on.

I never realized that newborns reveal their personality right out of the womb; until I met Ava.

As I held her, even just looked over at her in the dim lights of the hospital room as she squeaked with every tiny breath, the radiance between us was sweet joy. It was so tangible, I could feel it... and it set my heart in warm, loving blissfulness. 

I thank the Lord so much for her because she is precisely what I needed (I would say "wanted" - but I didn't even know...)

Ava loves to snuggle. Ava's always smiling. 
Ava is full of joy. Ava is content.

The first six months after delivery were hard for me. Beside the hormonal aspects and re-accustoming to 6 weeks of excruciating breastfeeding, I became a mommy of an infant and toddler. I would say another aspect that made it hard was lack of family around... But no - there was no lack of family around for us. In fact, we were a bit crowded with family - living in our home, as I have mentioned before. On top of that, Jason spontaneously decided to really (over?)-devote himself to the young adult ministry at church (his reason being that he didn't want to use family as an excuse to skip out of ministry).

What wasn't hard, not in the least bit, was bonding with my baby.

There were so many times I would snuggle up with her, holding her for dear life, thinking, You're my only one. The only one who loves me. The only one who comforts me. Tears were constantly on the verge of out-pour, especially her first three to four months. I often wondered if I was suffering from postpartum depression; I was withdrawn, irritable, anxious, had no energy, and found little pleasure in life. But my little Ava held me. God sent this sweeter-than-honey child to relieve my soul. I can feel my heart exploding with love and gratitude within me at the remembrance.

It's hard to say if the season would have been so hard even without having a newborn. What I do know is that I received the most perfect newborn for my circumstances.

Thank You, Lord, for showing me the joy in life; 
through Ava Ree

I keep a page recording her sweet progress HERE.

P.S. Since I feel like I have just cheated on Acacia here, I think it necessary to give her praise as well. Acacia is growing kinder with each passing of the sun. She has a loving, motherly personality which melts my heart. She is a little star; singing, dancing, pouncing around humorously. Many times I have been caught in awe of her maturity. I thank the Lord that [it would seem] the "terrible twos" are coming to a close as she nears her third birthday. Though, the thought of that nearly makes me cry - so I try to avoid it. I miss her at six months old. I miss her baby face, her perfect button nose (it still is!), her little hands, her bald head... As the infamous saying goes, "It went too fast".

I think that's why I am really loving Ava - actively, presently, wholeheartedly - as I do: knowing that I'll never get this season to repeat, only reminisce...


Being a mother is so bitter-sweet.

       But right now?

                I'll focus on the sweet.

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