did i mention....

...that I hardly have cell phone reception in my house?

Which means that you'll be lucky to get a hold of me.
    Let alone have a clear conversation.

I may not receive your text message for a few hours.
    If I try writing back it may fail all ten times so I give up.

I wish it weren't so. I have beloved family & friends I wish I could spend time talking to.
    People are beginning to think I'm ignoring them.

Sorry friends. If I happen to get out of the house, I will try to remember to call.

And so, you know what this destines me to?
    A cyber life.

beautiful bonding

****************Disclaimer: this post is not for the immature or the awkward; for those easily embarrassed or squirmy, or those not comfortable with the most basic and natural things on this world.******************

Nursing a baby is one of the most precious experiences a woman experiences in her life as a mother. For me, not every moment was perfect but was certainly been worth it.
For Acacia, every ounce had been bliss and joy.

While I was pregnant and when Acacia was first born I decided I would for sure nurse for one year and then have her weaned a few weeks later. When she was about six months old, I realized it would be nice to prolong our time together - maybe 'til she was 18-24 mo or sooner, if she so chose.

The first time Acacia nursed, I really don't quite remember what it was like. I was absolutely exhausted, still coming off my epidural (and I'm telling you -- they overdosed me), and just taking in the whole experience. What I do remember though.....
                 is the agony.
The ripping pain I felt every time she latched on until the moment she was finished. The lactation consultant came and tried to help - making sure she was latched correctly and such. Her latch was perfect. She was a content little 5 1/2 lbs baby girl suckling away while her mother cried, tensed, suffered, and yes - blistered.

This was when I learned the meaning of Agape. The love that keeps on giving even when nothing (apart from maybe curses) is given in return. While pregnant I had determined to nurse. Despite when the pain came I knew that I would never give up. Even if I had to suffer the whole year I would not let Acacia down.

                 I would joke with myself that the pain was revenge for getting an epidural.

I tried everything I could, from cool packs, to different positions, pumping, and Lansinoh (which may I just comment -- I hated. It was stinky. Sticky. And stained everything it touched.) Nothing helped so I just had to grit my teeth and bare it. Finally after almost two months of miserable nursing 8-12 times a day every 2-3 hours, the pain..... subsided.

It is hard adjusting to a new baby. And learning the techniques of modest nursing for the first time is a challenge. But my husband (not deterred as new mother's are) wanted to get out or have people over - and of course wear a cover. Thankfully, I can now laugh at the memories of struggling to reluctantly latch a tiny 5 lb baby whilst a blanket was over us. Oh the frustrations. 

Eventually....
               Things improved. No more pain.... covering up became a breeze... I felt at ease. I not only came to enjoy nursing, I fell in love with it. Now, a year later, I'm sad to say good-bye to my time with Acacia.

--And yes, it is obligatory that this season be put to an end (for other important matters in life will be hindered otherwise). 

I will terribly miss watching her nurse:
  sometimes her eyes staring at me in wonder,
    other times shut as she drifted of to sleep in peace;
      her little hands & feet reaching out to touch my face and hair,
        the sound of her suckling & swallowing,
          her face all rosy, her nose bright pink once she pulled away
            her most absolute and supremely perfect latch. I've never seen
              something so beautiful.
Above all these things I will miss her utter dependence upon only what I could provide her.

I woke up Friday, April 30th, with the intentions of enjoying every moment, every swallow, of our last BF together. To record in memory each last detail. Acacia's nose was stuffed, so I cleaned her up and tried nursing again. She refused it.
Wouldn't.
Even.
Latch.
I knew - she knew - that she could breathe. So I tried yet again and she started screaming and whining at me and squirming in my arms. It started dawning on me that she was possibly rejecting me. Feeling a little hurt, but not wanting to be too hasty about my disappointment, I took her to the kitchen and made her up a bottle of milk. Hoping that she would refuse the bottle as well (perhaps due to lack of hunger???) I tentatively placed it within her reach.
Wishful thinking.
She took it gladly and sucked it to the last drop. As I watched her, I couldn't help but let the tears come as I knew she would never take me again.

And I never got to say good-bye.






As if she knew the rejection I felt, once she finished the bottle she gave me kisses and repeatedly said, "mamama mama mamama." And for those of you who know her, "dada" is her preferred word; only on special and rare occasions will she amuse you with a, "mama".

So here is my final farewell, Acacia...

  To nursing.
       To you only needing me.
              To the unique share of oxytocin :)

I am thankful for the support, circumstances, and determination that caused my nursing relationship with Acacia to blossom into such an irreplaceable and beautiful bond.

P.S. I guess its time for Baby #2. ;)


I read a statistic the other day that said only 20-some% of babies are breastfed past 6 months of age. When I read this, it broke my heart. I am not ignorant; I know people have different circumstances that truly demand them to put an end to nursing their baby. But many women today are merely inconvenienced by nursing. Or perhaps they don't have the support/understanding that they should have so they give up too quickly.

this peanut can't have a peanut

At the last well-baby check-up, the Dr. said, "No peanut product until she is at least 2 years of age" for the reasons of choking but also an allergic reaction.

Well, a week and a half later, I'm dipping my slices of apple into peanut butter and I think it would be a great idea to see if Acacia would like it. So I dip my finger in, just getting a tiny amount (because I didn't want to make her choke!!)  and dab some into her mouth. I did this about 3 times. As I'm finishing up my last slices, I notice Acacia on the ground leaning forward and rubbing her face back and forth on the carpet. I pick her up and notice little bumps developing on the side of her neck... and then around her mouth. She started getting squirmy and was rubbing her face desperately against my shirt. Hives. 

Uff da.

I totally forgot about the part that I wasn't supposed to give her any peanut product until she was older so we didn't have to deal with an allergic reaction with a baby. Here I was trying to be a good mom and not give her too much to choke on, when she could have had her throat close up on her!

Jason called the Dr office for me, they said to go to the ER since the reaction was around her mouth. They were concerned that it might spread down her throat and she would start to suffocate. So we rushed to the ER, they checked her in and gave her Benadryl. Her hives subsided and we ended up leaving the ER because we didn't want to sit and wait there for three hours just to have them tell us that she is allergic to peanuts. 

I'll be calling her pediatrician today to update them. And we'll be getting her a prick test. 

I was really upset with myself at first for being so stupid as to forget the most crucial reason for not letting her have peanuts....

But once things calmed down, Jason and I are actually very thankful to know what we do. Otherwise, we could have waited until she was two years old fed her an entire pb&j sandwich. Or she could have been at a friend's house and eaten pb cookies. God only knows what would have happened then. Since I gave her less than a teaspoon and she reacted as so, I can't imagine what more would have caused her.

Acacia is perfectly fine now. We'll just be staying away from that legume as best we can. 

P.S. It is such a tragedy. Since Jason gags at even the smell of peanuts because he hates them so much, I was really looking forward to sharing pb with my child. Not to mention having a very easy and tasty lunch to prepare -- pb& j. Such a pity. 

things

We got the sprinkler's figured out -and yes, we did have to call the previous owners. I found them on facebook...I wonder if I should add them as friends?

Wishing we had furniture in our living room, but all in time. Jason mailed off our tax amendment yesterday
so we should be getting our tax credit

eventually

within the next four months

Ha!

My sister, Mae, asked if she could stay with us in the summer. We gladly decided that a month sounds appropriate. Not too short. Not too long. I haven't spent that much time with her since we were in high school. It will be good; I plan on hanging out with her and Acacia outside in the yard, going to the zoo, teaching her how to make some delicious meals, and enjoying good company and conversation with our friends.

Summer will be pretty jam-packed. Jason's sister, Sheree', will be visiting for a couple months, Jason's parents will be here for ten days, and Jason's grandparents for four days. We're so thankful for this new home to house them all! Unfortunately, we probably won't have any furniture upstairs to sit on by then. Guess we'll all be sardines on the one couch downstairs.

Jason is outside chit-chatting with Brent while throwing the football around. He has such a greater social life than I do. Mine is cyber. And, I don't know if I've mentioned this or not but, we get terrible/NO cell phone service in our house. Bummer. My once-faithful Chocolate is constantly dropping calls, and failing to send/receive texts. So if you ever try to call to talk... don't hold your breath. Alas, now I'm destined to have this laptop with me daily. How else will I communicate; other than "patty cakes," "abc's," and "show me your teeth."

If I want hope of being social; we need a new car. And we will be getting one -- next spring! Lord willing.

Tonight Jason and I wanted to go on a date but its hard to get someone to stay here while Acacia sleeps... Instead we will just do dinner and a movie. Well the baby is waking up (I didn't just sit here and write. I played outside, ate food, hung out...). Back to real life I go!

my reply

in response to another's remorse:

I'd have to say that life isn't much to boast in regardless of how "successful" you are or "how far you've gotten" in life. This life has nothing to offer us. Not really. I mean, yeah there are the simple joys and thrills that keep us from boredom. But God has given us all a purpose beyond those shallow things.

As I was reading through Ezekiel in my devotional time the other day I really realized something that I never had understood before. Bear with my as I unbury these thoughts... 

Son of man, how is the wood of the vine better than any other wood, the vine branch which is among the trees of the forest? Is wood taken from it to make any object? Or can men make a peg from it to hang any vessel on? Instead, it is thrown into the fire for fuel; the fire devours both ends of it, and its middle is burned. Is it useful for any work? Indeed, when it was whole, no object could be made from it. How much less will it be useful for any work when the fire has devoured it, and it is burned?                                  15:2-5

 Now to get the context here, God is speaking to Ezekiel concerning Israel. Israel is God's chosen nation. His beloved. He was compassionate and gave them life, beauty, he cleansed, made famous, and called them His own. So if God's choice nation, being the vine branch, is good for nothing, then where is the hope?

Our purpose in life is to use what we have been given to glorify God. Israel used all the beauty and royalty that God gave her to turn against Him. She became a harlot of harlots. She blasphemed the name of the Lord every day.

We truly are good for nothing. Without God. Without utilizing the lives He has given us to glorify Him.

I once heard that Glory is when something is in its state of greatest and perfect potential and purpose.

We can get in reveries of feeling like that vine wood. We fail at everything. We don't function properly. We have no reason to be used. But unlike Israel, we need to be who He has made us [beautiful]; not to serve ourselves, but the Creator.

Note that the wood of the vine is good: because God chose it to be; that He be glorified.

Do not be afraid for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west.  I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’ and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back!’  Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth – everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made.   Isaiah 43: 5-7 

                     [God speaking to Israel]

So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God

                         I Corinthians 10:31 

 

                  


P.S. and if we don't glorify God; yes, the fire will devour us........

eclipse

no passion on these lips

once caught below the surface

inches from a breath

help failed

hope diminished

no hint of flicker can be found here

not even for fear

a gentle tug recieved

too late

no more

one cord distracted

one never fails

withered is the last

where is promise for these lips

buried in the past

shadow has set

sun is hidden

water has drowned

the fire is quenched

flames must be re-lit

one year too fast

Last week my parents came to visit. They brought my beloved nephew, Riley, along with them. We had such a wonderful time all week. Riley (a week from being two years old) and Acacia playing together was such a cute things to see. Next year will be even more fun and I look forward to it so much.  We celebrated Acacia's first birthday on Saturday the 3rd - thank you to all of you who came! We made about 70 vibrant colored cupcakes and then a giant one for Acacia to have all to herself. I was wondering how she would react to the cupcake - whether she would just touch a little bit but not want to get dirty or if she would dig in. Her reaction was very amusing: as soon as I got some frosting on my finger and put it in her mouth, she went at the cupcake!!! She kept trying to pick it up and she would lean down and just take a bite! Oh how I love her! She makes me laugh so much. 

She has always made this funny face - like she is straining for something; her bottom lip gets drawn down, her eyebrows shoot up, her eyes get all big, and you can see the tendons in her neck. But this week she has learned to do it on cue! Strain your face at her, and she will do it right back -- and laugh! She knows she is being funny: which makes it even more entertaining. When I'm nursing her, she'll just pop off and make her face at me or Jason and laugh and pop back on. Nursing. ah yes.... I'm starting to wean. I'm truly going to miss nursing her. But it will be good to have the freedom. So far, the most interest she has in the bottle is to chew on it as a toy. Though she does latch and drink at least part of the whole milk. She likes it. But she likes to play with the bottle more. :) 

I took her to the Dr. on Monday to have her one year check up.... she is 26 inches long and weighs 15.0 lbs. They were concerned with a few minor things, like her not walking or standing without support, but most things will be addressed at the next appointment. As for her size, we're supposed to carb-load her up so she gains weight. The Dr. said to add a bunch of butter to her food, mix Carnation instant breakfast with her milk, pour chocolate syrup on icecream to give to her. Thats all great. Fine and dandy.... but isn't one the the biggest concerns for our children now-a-days their weight issues??? and diabetes???? So.... I'm definitely going to increase her calories, but by no means feed my child junk. I'd rather her be healthy. By next appt if she hasn't put on some lbs, then they will be doing some blood work to check various things, such as her thyroid for growth hormone and her liver and kidneys. oh and..... adding to my post a while back; I want my daughter to be safe. And I will get her tested because of her size - because, yes, she is abnormally small. Although I am pretty positive that she is just very petite, I would much rather be safe than sorry and I want her to be tested, so that I know for sure. And I realized that my Dr. really isn't as bad as I was describing. (Its just that I had a couple visits before with a different Dr. that I liked much better). He is a good Dr. and knows what he is talking about. 

Anyway, Easter Sunday was her birthday. She wore a beautiful dress that she got at her party. She looked like a doll. And at the time of her birth, we stamped her hand and foot into some pink clay as a keepsake :) One year old. I can hardly believe it. Every moment with her I treasure. I want to remember every smile, every giggle, the touch of her tiny hands, her head resting on my shoulder, and her strained little face (which we are naming "show me your teeth"). I love her. 

On another note here are some other random updates

We painted the family room. Desert Cactus. I don't like it. As soon as we get our tax credit, we're buying new paint and painting it a different color. 

My dad bought us glasses! Yes, actual cups to drink out of (instead of coffee mugs and canning jars). He also got us a bread knife. And a rake!

We were blessed with a grill!!! (Thank you so much - you know who you are!) Its brand new and super nice.

We can't figure out how to get our sprinkler system to work... we may have to call the previous home-owners. 

Our cat's name is Coltrane. Her nickname is Busty (because her fur is so fluffy on her chest.) She is a sweet cat - and best of all, she lives outside. 

Whoever showers in the upstairs bathroom between 10 and 11:30 am can open the window and have the sun shine on them. Its absolutely wonderful.